I haven't written much the last few months. There's a very good reason why. Since my diagnosis of uterine prolapse and then my decision to have a total hysterectomy and oophorectomy I really can't think of much else. I've written a few posts about it but not a lot.
And here's why - I'm pretty sure everyone in my life is sick of hearing about it.
So how am I supposed to write if all I can think about is something others are bored with?
As I pondered this question I realized two things. First, it's my blog and I can write about whatever I want. I'm always saying my blog is more for me than for anyone else. So why am I holding back this time? Which leads me to the second realization. I am holding back because again I feel like I am inflicting myself on others and it's my job to protect them from having to experience my life.
That last part is an ongoing issue for me. It has been for as long as I can remember. I often feel guilty when I take others' time. There are many people I would like to be closer to. There are many people I'd like to visit. There are many people I'd like to spend time with. But I don't initiate these encounters because their time is limited and they shouldn't have to spend it with me.
Even when people have loosely invited me to do so.
"Let me know when we can get together for lunch." "Stop by again some time." "Come see me." But because there's no scheduled time I am sure I'll pick the wrong time and they will let me stay to be polite, but they will be counting the minutes until I leave because they've got things to do. More important things to do. More important than me.
It sounds stupid when I say it; but it's how I feel.
Why do I feel this way? I'm pretty sure it's because my parents always made me feel like I was a burden. So now I feel like a burden to everyone. (Which is also why it's so difficult for me to ask for help - even when I really need it.)
And because I am such a burden, I want to protect people from me. I don't want to be the albatross around their neck.
It's dumb. And I'm working on it. And now that I've realized it about this situation I'm going to stop it.
This is my blog. And I want to write about my pain and upcoming surgery. And if you don't want to read about it, you're a big girl (or boy) and can take care of yourself. Click away and go somewhere else. You are responsible for your choices and feelings and I am responsible for mine.
I'm hurting. A lot! I feel like there is an alien inside my uterus eating me alive as it chews and claws its way out. My ovaries feel like they are tied in knots (okay, maybe that's my fallopian tubes). Sharp, shooting pain that radiates down my leg making it difficult to walk. Sometimes I can't stand up straight because it hurts so bad. There is no position that makes it better and no pain killer seems to help.
I have so much I still want to do to get my home and life ready for my recuperation time. It's four days away now so I'm running out of time. It's a bad time to be hurting so much because I can't do anything. It is making me prioritize though, decide what's the most important to get done. It's also reminding me I'm making the right decision about having surgery.
You see, I'm terrified of the surgery. But more terrified about life after surgery.
I don't want to be anesthetized. I don't want to be cut open. I don't want parts of my body removed. I don't want those first moments coming out of anesthesia, being disoriented, nauseous, and helpless.
I don't want to be the patient. I don't want to be the center of attention. I don't want to need help. I don't want to be weak.
I don't want to hurt. I don't want to be on narcotics. I don't want the rebound headache that's going to follow. I don't want the potential depression that could come from sedative use. I don't want the hormonal hurricane that will follow and the emotional trauma I could experience and/or cause.
I don't want my family to worry about me, especially my children.
I don't want to be an inconvenience to anyone. I don't want to take their time and emotional energy.
And we're right back where this post started. I don't want to be a burden or a bother.
The decision is right. I am sure of this in my heart. And mind. And body. I just wish it didn't come with so much other junk.