I get this question over and over on my other blog. The post that gets hit the most by internet searches is My Husband is Mean to Me and the Kids. Women who are struggling search the internet and find my blog. They are in ugly situations and don't know what to do.
They read what I wrote. They understand too well because it fits their lives. They ask me what to do.
And I have no idea how to answer them.
When I was in the middle of it, I didn't know what to do. And I didn't dare talk to anyone about it to try to get answers. I didn't think anyone would believe me. I was afraid it would make my husband angry. I thought it was a sign that I wasn't good enough. I didn't try enough. I was a quitter.
I don't believe those things now. I'm better and he's better and I wish that for everyone who reads my blog and feels a kinship. But I don't know how to make it happen for you. And it's not the only correct outcome.
My husband had a breakthrough moment. Then we both had a lot of therapy. He got better. He got worse. I got better. I got worse. We even separated for a while. And after years of hard work by both of us we are good. Almost all the time. But I don't believe most abusive relationships will work out like this.
And I remember feeling like I didn't have options. I was trapped. I couldn't support myself and the kids without him. If we divorced, he would have the kids some of the time on his own and I wouldn't be there to protect them. What if I was wrong and things weren't as bad as I thought they were? What if he was right and I was blowing things out of proportion and it destroyed our marriage? What if I ruined his life because I didn't work hard enough at our marriage? How could I handle the embarrassment of a divorce? How badly would I damage my children if we divorced? How badly was I damaging my children by staying? If I divorced him, he could choose to make my life a living hell.
I was so scared of taking the route of divorce. I didn't want to be with him. I prayed he would leave me. On really bad days I prayed he would die. Anything to relieve my suffering and protect my children. Without me having to take that horrible step I didn't want to take. There were too many things I couldn't predict and control. That's what made it so scary. And after so many years of abuse, I didn't believe in myself anymore. I didn't believe I could make it.
I didn't know my options. I know them better now. But I don't know all the options.
I know that I can leave without explaining myself. I know I can call the police and have him removed from the home if he is threatening us or in a rage. I know I can get a restraining order against him. I know I can get therapy and become healthy myself even if he chooses to never change. I know I can talk about it to others. I know I can tell him how I want to be treated. And I know I have to be willing to stand behind my words if none of this changes him. Because he won't change unless he wants to -- no one will, no matter how much someone else wants them to.
I'm asking for help now. These women cry out to me. Often, they post anonymously so I can't even respond to them. But I'd like them to have answers. I like them to see options. I'm asking for help from anyone who reads this and knows something. If you've had experience with an abusive marriage, and know options, please share them. Any info is welcome. Therapists, lawyers, religious leaders, police officers, and those who've been there. Please comment and share what you know. Please share this with others who may know and ask them to help.
Please comment with respect. Please don't judge or preach. Please don't tell these women what to do, just help them see options. Each woman needs to listen to her heart and choose for herself. I recommend lots of prayer if you're a believer. I recommend therapy if you possibly can. I recommend writing if you don't dare talk to anyone yet.
Please try to believe in yourself again. You do have options.
30 comments:
I don't have answers other than that I'd like to tell these women that it's NOT YOUR FAULT. You can't make someone be mean - some people are just (temporarily or permanently) just mean. If it wasn't you, they'd be mean to someone else. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! That's what I know as someone who has been in an abusive relationship and figured it was 'me' for a long time. Turns out, it wasn't me.
I don't have any answers either. I was in an abusive relationship in high school, but thankfully had my parents to help me find my way out. I think you gave a lot of good options. And wise advice. And I'd like to second everything Christa said above!
My husband used to have anger issues. I never knew when he was going to explode. I kind of diagnosed him myself as manic. I gave him an ultimatum. Get help and or medication or I leave. He sought help and medication and our marriage has never been better. It was really hard because I loved the husband that he was when he was nice.
My current husband is my second husband. My first was 22 years ago, it isn't hard to talk about now. My ex was mean, really mean. Ellen wasn't even 1 when I left him. Alone with a baby, hardest thing ever! I survived but Ellen still wonders what really happened. We will have to "chat" sometime. It's too long for a message. I always tell women in that situation that they need to decide what they will put up with and what they won't. I wouldn't put up with him throwing Ellen in her crib and hitting the wall. Once was enough. I ended up in the women's shelter 3 different times. I left and he threatened me and Ellen until she was 9. It was scary! I hope you can find some answers.
Insanely honest...thank you.
First, let me thank you for caring enough about your readers that you would reach out to others for suggestions. That is very kind and responsible of you. I am a huge proponent of writing - in any situation. I would certainly suggest writing to the abusive spouse. Sounds corny, but it is a form of communication that allows someone to be vulnerable, honest, and uninterrupted. I would not be above beginning the "letter" off asking that he be open to truly absorbing the words. Try not to state "you did this, this, and this." Just speak of your feelings in reaction to his actions. Be SPECIFIC in consequences without sounding threatening. Write from a place of love although you may be angry. If you want the relationship to work. Write from a place of love. Start the letter off stating the good..."I love you. I want to be with you"; place the bad in the meat of the letter; and end the letter with more "good." Be SPECIFIC. I hope this is helpful. I give these suggestions from the perspective of a wife, woman, and social worker. Andrea @ www.be-quoted.com. Thanks for visiting!
My husband is mean to me and my kids. He has no patience for our kids. One is 2 and the other who is 4 is special needs. He's never physically abused me besides shoving me down a few times. He gets pissed over stupid stuff. He hardly ever calls me names just continually points out my flaws. And he has a major drinking problem. He spends about 200 dollars a week on alcohol. But it's always my fault we have no money. I guess I don't make the situation any better because I argue back. Sometimes I do so just hoping I piss him off enough to hit me so we can leave. I love him but I'm tired of walking on eggshells. He can bitch about his job all he wants but if I want to vent after a hard day he always turns it around on me that his day was harder, his job is harder. I just get sick of it. When he drinks his temper explodes. He screams at me and our kids. Breaks stuff punches holes in the walls and doors. Our little ones are terrified of him when he's like that. I think he resents our children and me that if he didn't have to support us he'd have a great life. I've told him to leave go have his great life but he never does. There's always a half ass apology and I always accept it. He constantly ridicules me for everything. I'm not aloud to spend money on anything unless like a lawyer I make a valid case for it. The other night he threw a fit in the grocery store because he had to buy pediasure for our special needs daughter who eats through a feed tube. I'm just sick and tired of being treated like shit but obviously I don't have the balls to leave. When does it get to be enough? I've asked myself this? When our kids start imitating his behavior? This is very hard to admit, that you have a mean husband. When is enough enough? Why do I keep hanging on hoping the drinking will stop? He always admits he has a drinking problem but never takes any steps to change it, I guess he just manipulates me into believing all this will stop someday but you know what? In my heart I know it never will. There will be no happily ever after with him. It will be years of emotional abuse. Why can't I convince myself my kids and I deserve better? Even in writing this I'm in denial. This isn't my life, that's not my husband, but it is and that's a hard pill to swallow.
I have not been in this boat, so I cannot give advice on it. I've had my own ups and downs, but nothing like this. What got me through my moments I know was the prayer of others...and so that is what I can offer. I can pray.
I am so glad that you write about these hard things, Robin. I know you do it for you, but it sounds like you've helped others in the process, too, and that is a blessing too big for words. You, and your readers, are in my prayers! Feel free to stay in touch via email if you wish, and know that I am praying!
I have so much respect for you. I love that you are dedicated to reaching out to people with a sincere desire to help them. I also love that you totally understand that there are different options and one size doesn't fit all when it comes to what works for people in their unique situations. (and that you approach it all without judgment)
Oh yeah I am going through it now. Husband
Well long story but again said he hopes I die and I'm pregnant with
Our fourth. We have cultural differences and I've tried to narrow the gap as much as possible. But yeah if I say anything in a wrong tone or anything jumps on my throat. He's done a lot of violent things and because of all this citizen Stuff I was confused and there is no good option out there. I am just tolerating everything. Had a restraining order but then he coerced me to drop it down because I was a out to give birth. Well for him I hate to say was about his papers. He is very short tempered and is not religious or romantic. Just all buizness and made my life a little fake. Not the ideal person but no one is.
Robin, you know that I've been through this. The abusive marriage, with kids. The isolation, the self-blaming and shaming, the whole ugly ball of wax. What saved me (very literally) was an online support group. The group in which I am involved is called Our Place. It it completely free and completely confidential. There are lists of books to read about abuse, phone numbers for domestic violence help lines, and best of all OTHER PEOPLE who have gone through it or are going through it. Just knowing that I wasn't ALONE meant so much to me. I have met a number of the people from this website in person. They are from all over the world. If you don't mind, I'll post a link to the website. The online forum is where all the members hang out, but there is a lot of great information about abuse throughout the rest of the site also. http://www.our-place-online.net/
Thank you for your blogs. Love you!
Lyn
I learned something, well several things, through my breakup with Darin. One, and the most important, is that my relationship to the Lord is paramount, in this context, for one simple reason. I have worth~ because He made me and God doesn't make mistakes. (THANK YOU, Robin! I needed that book this Sunday! "You Are Special" by Max Lucado. It's so worth buying!)
Another thing I learned is that I teach people how I want to be treated. In that, I have to take responsibility. If I feel poorly about myself, I let others treat me poorly because that's how I feel I deserve to be treated. It's my responsibility to "visit Eli" every day so that the stickers will fall off.
So in response to Robin's call for some options for women whose husbands are mean to them.
1. Visit Eli (God) every day.
2. Work on figuring out how you want to be treated.
3. Carefully teach those around you.
What a powerful post! My husband and I pastor a church and we deal with this type situation often through marital counseling. I totally everything you wrote. Most women do feel trapped due to the fact that they have small children and can't support themselves. And we try to instill in the teens and twenty-somethings to actually get to know someone before they become engaged. Seems to me that things always escalate after marriage. (If he was a jerk while dating, he will be an even bigger jerk, once married.) Seems people overlook caution signs when they are dating because they are so in love. And we always encourage women to get out NOW if they are being abused in any way. It's sad that we tell them to get out but can't offer them a solution as to where to go (small town).
Incredibly honest and heartbreaking post. Praying for you and others in this horrible spot in life for courage, strength and protection.
{Melinda} So many women will be blessed by your honesty and vulnerability on this subject. There are no easy answers and not all answers fit every situation. I am so glad you and your husband were able to work through this very difficult issue.
Sorry, I don't know anything helpful with this. My marriage is strong, but I am a child of divorce. My biological father was an alcoholic/manic depressive and was physically and mentally abusive. the only benefit to me was my parents got divorced when I was only 5 so I really didn't have to deal with it or remember anything about it. (well not too much) Not like my older sisters.
I hope others can help more with this or find out some answers from your post :)
I saw this earlier but I've needed to process some old stuff and that's okay. We have to do the thing that works for us.
For me, it wasn't talking. For me, talking is a drug and I never come to solutions and I never make decisions if I'm talking. I have to think. I need alone time to work things out. When I falter, and I did and almost let my abusive husband return over ten years ago, my sister telling me, "NO YOU CAN NEVER NEVER NEVER LET HIM COME BACK," was crucial, but the rest of the time, talking was bad for me. I prayed a lot.
It was a different situation than yours. He didn't change. He grew worse, daily. He has not changed since, and it's been 12 years. I had to do it alone because, I suppose, I'm wired that way. But it was very hard, and this weekend's anxiety attacks have exposed the toll it took on my psyche to sleep with one eye open to protect my kids. Listening to someone talk talk talk was what triggered a lot of memories of being talked to death, trapped with everyone's opinions and no space to think for myself.
I'm glad others have support groups. The keys already shared are great: you are of worth, people have no right to treat you badly, we all make mistakes but that doesn't justify abuse, and you need to get some place safe if you stand up for yourself and it doesn't stop. If a support group works for you, then that's great, but for me it was just another group of people telling me what I should do.
THIS RESPONSE MAY EVOKE SOME TRIGGERS SO DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE AT RISK!!! My abuse situation was different, as it wasn't spousal abuse. It was my stepfather. He molested me from the time he married my mom, when I was 6. He raped me from the time I was 10 until I got out. He held the threat of killing not just me but my mother, and little brothers as well. He held that threat in place by periodically loading a gun in front of me and holding it to my head or that of my baby brother. I put up with it until some time between my 16th and 17th birthday. I found out that my mother had always known what was happening and had done nothing. I hit bottom at that point, and finally did something I had never done before and told someone what I was going through. It ended up she was enduring similar circumstances, so, to be honest, we couldn't really help each other at that point in our lives. I had however, recently purchased my own car, and I had a steady job, in addition to high school, so, I left. I didn't tell any of my other friends what I was going through. They assumed that the times I stayed overnight at their houses was okay with my parents. I lived in my car and tried to stay in school, but eventually realized I was too far behind from all the many issues I had. I then got my GED. Sometimes I stayed in shelters in really awful neighborhoods when the weather was extreme. I got lice and other pest issues. Sometimes I didn't have food. I almost never fully slept. But, I survived. I feel that sometimes, you have to let yourself hit the bottom in order to claw your way back to the top. Remember your worth as a human being. Remember it's not your fault. You do have options. They may not be particularly appealing, but they're out there. Get help. Please get help. No one deserves to be abused. No one!
This post is so important and such a gift. I don't have anything to add, but just in your post itself, the things you list are a help to anyone in need.
I wish I had the answers but I know that there are ALWAYS options. My advice would be for one to go to someone they absolutely trust and ask for help. Robin, I admire how you are helping so many with your blog!
What a lovely, honest, caring post. My husband and I are in the middle of a divorce - and everyone has an opinion on what my choice was - but as you said, I had to listen to me heart on this one. Only the heart knows.
Hi my friend! I'm visiting you from the Sharefest and one of your followers. I like everything you wrote. Your advice is strong enough, but I hope the comments you receive will help you to write part 2 to this one.
Praying for you and your family!
Tina - mom of 4
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I believe these women should view the situation to know if it is life threatening or not. If it is not they should pray and believe God to give them solutions because every marriage may not be handled the same way since each has its peculiarities.
I pray it works out for them like it did for you.
Have a super blessed day.
Thanks for coming by TESHUVA
Have a super blessed day!
Love
thank you so much for your honest post.
and i like everything you said here.
sending prayers your way.
hugs
I spent years with an emotionally and mentally abusive husband. I don't have all the answers but I trust God and know He has all the answers. I was able to surround myself with wives standing for their marriages. They blessed me tremendously. I actually blog about my testimonies at http://www.blended4purpose.com. My husband and I are not perfect but we are committed. Stopping by from SITS sharefest.
Blessings~
Alethea
Thank you so much for writing this. I don't have any answers other than to talk to someone - anyone - about what is happening. Don't be alone. Don't be so filled with shame that you cut yourself off from everyone and everything. The only way we find clarity in our lives is with the guidance of other people's perspectives. Will pray for continued peace for you and your husband!
This is a wonderful post that I'm thankful I can't relate to. It's so important to put the hard stuff out there and talk about it, to help those who are still struggling in areas where you've been able to find a better place.
Hi. I'm Jenna. I have a website that deals with DV, women's issues, culture, etc. - but mostly DV. Right now, we're in the middle of a couple of conversations that may help, namely a blog series called "Heroic", and an exchange with a woman I'm calling "Sarah" (that's for post-DV parenting and personal issues).
I found you on Lundy Bancroft's site. God bless you for the work you do.
Best,
Jenna
I have been in this situation. My life ten years ago was exactly as you described in your post My Husband Is Mean. Since then, I've found that people who want advice about what to do when they're in that position, is that they really want to know what to DO. My advice: 1. Talk to Someone who knows. That means a clergy member, an abuse center staffer, a therapist, a hotline staffer. Talking about it with someone who understands is the BEST way to understand that other people understand. That you're not alone. That there are options. Maybe they aren't perfect options, but when you're sick and tired of being sick and tired, there are options. 2. Plan. Plan secretly or just in your own head if you have to. The next time he throws a tantrum and says he'll be back tomorrow, or when he's good and ready, or when you've come to your senses, put your plan in action. For me, he said he was going to spend the night at a hotel since I was such a witch. I watched him drive away, then calmly drove to Home Depot, bought new door knobs with new locks for the house, and went home and installed them. I called the police to let them know, called the attorney I had picked out, and charged all of it on a credit card I got secretly. 3. KNOW you are not alone, and develop your support. Find someone - your mom, sister, best friend, someone who used to be your best friend before you walled yourself off from the world, anyone - and let them know what you are doing. Ask them to support you when you call them crying. They will say yes, I promise. 4. Listen to your gut. Even if you don't know yourself that we'll now, the real you is in there somewhere. Whether you choose therapy with your spouse, or divorce, your true self will talk to you and let you know you're making the right decision. It doesn't have to be the easy, or the hard, or financially difficult decision to be the right one. Your gut will let you know when you're walking the right way.
My two cents.
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